Madness
by Frizz the Eccentric
Summary: H2G2 crossover. Zaphod,Ford and Arthur come to the Enterprise.
1. Oddly Normal

**Madness**

Disclaimer: I do not own StarTrek TNG or Hitchhikers.

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Zaphod Beeblebrox was bored. Very bored.

Nothing interesting had happened in quite a while, and had made him extremely bored.

He looked around the bridge of the _Heart of Gold _in search of something to do. Nothing.

But then, something caught his eye. The Infinite Improbability drive button.

The last time he pressed it due to boredom, Ford's monkey turned into a large piece of cheesecake. Eventually, he turned back into a monkey, but it was enough to keep Zaphod amused for sometime, as Arthur had developed a morbid fear of forks.

Zaphod pressed it.

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Captain Jean-Luc Picard was sitting in his ready room being bored. Very bored.

Nothing odd or unusual had happened for quite some time, which was even odder and more unusual than the usual odd and unusual things that happened aboard the _Enterprise_.

Just then, something very odd and unusual happened.

So unusual was this event that it had never happened to Captain Picard before.

At least not like this.

The odd event was three strangely dressed men appeared in Captain Picard's ready room.

The first one was smaller and more thin than the others. He had bright blue eyes, bordering on neon. He had curly hair, which some say is brown while others say is red.. Captain Picard quickly noticed that he didn't blink.

He was dressed in a striped jacked, sweater-vest and floral shirt, with black pants and white shoes. Very odd.

The next one looked fairly normal, but also extremely nervous. He wore an old tattered plaid dressing gown and pajamas. Very, very odd.

The third one was the oddest of all. First of all, he had two heads and three arms. His hair was long and red, much like his eyebrows. One of his heads had a multicolored eye patch and looked like some special effect from a 1980's TV show.

He had yellow pants and a green and purple jacket-shirt-thing. Very, very odd indeed.

The captain suddenly found himself wishing that things had stayed oddly normal.

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Hope you liked it! Any suggestions would be helpful, and greatly appreciated because I have no idea where I'm going with this.


	2. Confusion

**Madness**

Disclaimer: I do not own StarTrek TNG or Hitchhikers.

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Arthur was extremely confused. And rightfully so. One minute he was trying once again to get the Nutrimatic to give him some tea. Now he was in a pinkish-reddish colored room with Zaphod, Ford and some bald man in a red uniform. He seemed to be human, but Arthur had learned that you could never really tell.

The bald man looked almost as confused as Arthur was. He stood up and walked over to some sort of machine. He told the machine "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot."

Then the machine produced just that. A cup of hot Earl Grey tea! Arthur instantly forgot all his problems with life, the universe and everything. He wanted some tea!

"How'd you do that? What is that machine?" Arthur asked

The man gave Arthur a confused look. There seemed to be a lot of confused looks going around lately.

"It's a replicator. I tell the computer what I want and it gives it to me."

"And it doesn't ask you why?"

"No"

"Or give you something almost -but not entirely- unlike tea?"

"No. It gives me exactly what I asked for."

"And it doesn't tell you 'Share and Enjoy'?"

"It doesn't tell me anything unless I ask it. Or it needs to."

"Umm… pardon me for interrupting this very interesting conversation, but where are we?" Ford asked.

"This is the _USS Enterprise_. Of the United Federation of Planets" the bald man responded.

"And who are you?" Ford asked.

"I am Jean-Luc Picard, captain of this vessel. I could ask you the same question" replied Capt. Picard.

"'Picard' is a strange name" thought Arthur. "He can't possibly be human"

"I am Ford Prefect. This is my good friend Arthur Dent. And surly you've heard of Zaphod Beeblebrox" Ford told him.

Capt. Picard gave Ford a blank stare.

"Ex-President of the galaxy? Voted 'Worst Dressed Sentient Being' seven years running? Called 'The best bang since the big one' by Eccentrica Gallumbits?"

"Eccentrica who?"

"This is going no where!"

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Again, still have NO idea where this is going. Please give me suggestions! Or reviews! Or both!


	3. Tea at Last

**Madness**

Disclaimer: I do not own StarTrek TNG or Hitchhikers.

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Guinan smiled as the three newcomers entered Ten- Forward.

They had not come to Ten- Forward yet, but she'd met them on a turbo-lift.

They sat down at the bar. "Hello. What can I get you?" She asked.

Zaphod opened one of his mouths to speak, but Arthur beat him too it.

"Tea, please."

"Earl Gray?"

"Sure"

She when to the replicator, and got the beverage. When she gave it to him he drank it instantly, almost like he had inhaled it. 'Quite a feat' she thought to herself 'considering how hot it was'.

"Another?" She asked.

"Yes."

Zaphod sighed. "Give Arthur tea and he will be your slave" he commented.

Guinan giggled inwardly.

"And you?" She asked Zaphod.

"Three Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters"

"What?" In all her year roaming the galaxy, she has never heard of that.

"Yet another thing they _don't_ have here." Ford muttered under his breath.

"Here" Zaphod said and handed her a paper.

It read:

- Take the juice from one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit.

- Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V.

- Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzine is lost).

- Allow four litres of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it (in memory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia).

- Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odours of the dark Qualactin Zones; subtle sweet and mystic.

- Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian Suns deep into the heart of the drink.

- Sprinkle Zamphour.

- Add an olive.

A recipe, she assumed.

She made three of the drinks, improvising with what she didn't have (Or had never heard of).

She handed one of them to Ford and two to Zaphod. After drinking, they both promptly collapsed on the table.

After they had regained consciousness, Ford started to ask for another.

"Why don't you wait a while?" Guinan suggested. It was a very tiff drink after all.

Ford began to argue but eventually complied.

"Give Betelguisians alcohol and they will be your slaves." Arthur commented.

"So, what do you boy's do for a living?" Guinan asked.

"I'm a researcher for 'The HitchHiker's Guide to the galaxy'. You probably have never heard of it." Ford said.

"No, I haven't, but it sounds useful."

"It is. Of course, nothing is more useful than a towel" Ford said. Guinan chose not to comment on this remark.

"I'm former president of the galaxy!" Zaphod stated proudly.

"You know, in this dimension, the galaxy is run by the Federation right?"

"Yeah, we know"

"And you?" Guinan asked Arthur, who was working on his fourth cup of tea.

"Well, I used to work for the BBC, before Earth got destroyed. Then, a few years later I gave samples of hair, skin ect. to a DNA Bank. Then I was the Sandwich Maker on a planet called 'Lamuella' for a few years." Arthur said thinking to himself 'I wonder if it'd be rude if I asked for another cup of tea.'

Guinan seemed to read his mind, and handed Arthur a fifth cup of Earl Grey.

'This is going to be interesting' she thought to herself.

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I hope the characters weren't too out of character. Please review!


	4. Quiet

**Madness**

Disclaimer: I do not own StarTrek TNG or Hitchhikers.

This is a quick little chapter I just thought of.

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Trillian stopped.

The Heart of Gold had been very quite for the past week or so and she'd finally figured out why.

Arthur, Ford and Zaphod were gone.

Trillian smiled to herself.

Now, if she could just get rid of Marvin.

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Um… yeah. Just a quick little thing.


	5. A Friendly Conversation

**Madness**

Disclaimer: I do not own StarTrek TNG or Hitchhikers.

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Worf entered Capt. Picard's ready room.

"Permission to speak freely, sir?" He asked.

"Permission granted."

"Sir, I do not think it is a good idea to let those… hitchhikers roam the ship freely!"

"Why not, Mr. Worf?"

"They could be Romulan spies or Cardassians or… many other things that could pose a threat."

"Or they could be what they claim to be."

"But, sir…"

"Mr. Worf, we should not jump to conclusions about them being threats to us."

"But we should also be cautions of their intentions."

"I agree, but until we have proof that they are a threat I see no reason why they should not be treated like any other guests on board."

Worf left the ready room complaining inwardly.

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Ford Prefect grumbled.

Many times over the past week it had been suggested to him that he and the other go see Consular Troi. Arthur and Zaphod had already gone and he was on his way now.

It all reminded him of being sent to the Kobdak (The Betelguesian version of principal) as a child at school.

He knew that going to see the ship's consular was not a punishment (Then again, they'd told him going to the Kobdak wasn't a punishment either) but he didn't like it anyway.

He was perfectly sane. He'd been mad before, but now he was fine.

And if he wasn't, he certainly didn't need some consular telling him so.

Finally, he'd reached her office.

He walked in.

"Hello! You must be Ford Prefect" She said cheerfully. She annoyed him already.

"Yeah. You're Consular Troi?" He asked, even though he knew the answer. Arthur's pointing out the obvious was rubbing off.

She nodded. "Sit down."

He did.

"So, where are you from?" She asked. Mindless small talk. Ugh.

"My father was from Betelgeuse 7, but it was destroyed in the Great Collapsing Hrung Disaster of Gal./Sid./Year 03758. He was the only survivor. I was born and raised on Betelgeuse 5."

"Oh. I've never heard of a Hrung. What is it?"

"Beats me. My original name is only pronounceable in an obscure dialect found only on Betelgeuse 7, so when I couldn't pronounce it, my father died of shame. Then I was called Ix which translates too 'Boy who has no plausible explanation for what a Hrung is or why it should collapse on Betelgeuse 7'. No one really knows what a Hrung is."

"Oh". She said again. "So, how do you know Arthur and Zaphod?" More mindless small talk.

"Zaphod is my semi-cousin."

She stared blankly, so he continued.

"We share three of the same mothers."

Now she was obviously very confused.

"And Arthur?"

"Oh, I saved him when the Earth was destroyed by Vogons." Arthur had already explained the whole story of Earth being destroyed and coming back over and over again. He was overjoyed when he found out that Earth was still here in this dimension and Vogons were not.

"Why him?" She asked.

'Damn' Ford thought. That being the very question he had hope she would not ask.

"Oh, I thought that he had hope of becoming a more interesting person. Earth was a very dull place after all." He said. This was not a lie. But it wasn't the whole truth either.

"But if Earth was such a dull place, why did you only take Arthur? Surely there must have been other people there who were much more boring."

"Because Arthur was my friend."

"Was he your only friend on Earth?"

"No, but…"

"Ford, I get the feeling you're not telling me something."

This was not good. It was like she was reading his mind! He had to get out.

He glanced at his digital watch.

"Oh, wouldyalookatthetimeItoldZaphodI'dmeethimatttheholo…thing!" He said in one breath.

He got up and left in a hurry.

Deanna Troi sighed. Some people just refused to admit affections.

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I couldn't resist! Sorry if you don't like that kind of thing. Thanks Mary Lou Royal for the idea for the first section.


	6. Confessions and Very Large Hats

**Madness**

Disclaimer: I do not own StarTrek TNG or Hitchhikers.

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Ford and Arthur were at a table by the very large window in Ten-Forward.

Ford had just done something that was a few days ago, very improbable. But, his conversation with Consular Troi had encouraged him (But he'd never admit it).

This was very odd, because their conversation consisted mainly of Troi asking questions and Ford giving half answers.

But now I'm straying off topic. The somewhat improbable thing that Ford had done was kiss Arthur.

"Ford, you just kissed me." Arthur said

"Yes, Arthur, I know. You're stating the obvious again." Ford said, quite calmly, as if he kissed Arthur often.

"You must be drunk. You've had four cups of… whatever you're drinking." Arthur said

"It's Synthohol. You can't get drunk. Stupid idea really."

"Then why did you kiss me?"

"Well, why do people usually kiss each other?"

"Because they love… but you don't… do you?" Arthur was very confused. That seemed to be happening a lot lately.

"Yes I do." Ford said. This was getting rather tedious.

"You love me?"

"Yes Arthur. I love you."

Arthur quickly got up and left in a hurry.

Understandably, this made Ford very upset.

He hadn't expected Arthur to take it well, but he also hadn't expected Arthur to just storm out like that.

He had actually expected Arthur to faint.

He walked over and sat down at the counter. He wasn't quite sure why he did this, but it seemed right somehow.

It also seemed right somehow to cross his arms on the table and rest his head on them.

"Can I get you anything?"

Ford looked up. The bartender, Guinan, was standing over him.

"What?"

"I said 'Can I get you anything?'"

"Oh. No. No thank you."

"Alright then."

There was a pause.

"Do you want to talk?" She asked.

During his time on the _Enterprise_ Ford had noticed two things about Guinan. One: She always wore ridiculously large hats. Two: She always had good advice.

The second one he had learned from listening to her conversations with other people. He hoped she had some good advice for him.

"Why do you always wear such large hats?" He asked. He decided he didn't want to talk about his problems with Arthur right now.

"I've always liked large hats. Eventually I had enough that I could wear one very day, so I did. It's just something that makes me happy. Large hats."

"Oh." Ford had hoped that there would have been a longer story to it. Maybe something about her first absurdly large hat.

"So, where are your friends?" She asked.

"Well, Zaphod is on the Holodeck. He's become obsessed with it. And Arthur… Arthur was here a little while ago. I guess he just needed to think."

"Oh. What about?"

"Um… I really don't want to talk about that right now."

"Okay."

She left and got some other drinks for a group of Ensigns. She came back in a few minutes.

"You really love him, don't you?" She asked him.

"Who?" Ford asked, even though he already knew the answer.

"Arthur. You really love him." She repeated.

Ford decided that lying wasn't going to help.

"Yes. I do. Love him, I mean. I told him, just now, but he got scared and left. I think I've ruined our friendship."

"I wouldn't say that. Just give him some time." She left again.

Ford sighed. He really hoped she was right.

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While all these very dramatic happenings were going on, Zaphod was at the beach.

Not the real beach, but one that he'd instructed the computer to create on the Holodeck.

'When we get back, I'm so going to get one of these for the Heart of Gold' He thought. However, he didn't plan on leaving this holodeck for some time.

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Again, I really hope Guinan is in character. Please review!


	7. The Kiss

**Madness**

Disclaimer: I do not own StarTrek TNG or Hitchhikers.

Yet another chapter from Ford's perspective. I'd hoped to alternate a little more, but I couldn't find a way how. This chapter contains slash. Don't like - Don't read.

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Ford Prefect was walking down the halls back to the quarters that had been provided for him, Arthur and Zaphod.

It had been about an hour after the incident in Ten- Forward and Ford was still feeling depressed.

Finally he came to the quarters.

He walked thru the doors (once again thankful that they didn't talk) to find Arthur standing in front of him.

Before he had time to think about this Arthur put one hand on each of Ford's shoulders, leaned down and kissed him.

The kiss was sweet and short and Ford thought that it ended far too soon.

He opened his mouth to ask about Arthur's change of heart, but decided not to question what was good.

Instead he pulled Arthur down for another kiss.

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Zaphod walked down the halls back to the quarters.

He had spent what he'd estimated to be about eight straight hours on the Holodeck.

It had been fun and he regretted leaving, but, as much as he hated to admit it, he needed sleep.

He had considered going to sleep on the Holodeck, but then decided that he didn't want to risk anyone walking in on him.

The doors opened and Zaphod walked in to find Arthur and Ford kissing passionately.

He quickly left before either of them noticed and headed back to the Holodeck.

'It was only a matter of time' he thought.

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Sorry for the short chappie. Please review.


	8. Two Heads aren't Better than One

**Madness**

Disclaimer: I do not own StarTrek TNG or Hitchhikers.

I'm back. Sorry it's been a while, I've had the worst case of writers block in history. Thanks so much to Mary Lou Royal for giving me this idea!

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Zaphod stared at all the flashing lights and button and levers that surrounded him.

He was in Engineering, and the android named Data was droning on and on about warp drive or transporter capabilities or something. Zaphod had stopped paying attention before this little tour of the ship had begun.

Arthur and Ford were there too, holding hands as always.

Even though it had only been three days, Zaphod briefly wished that he could have such a stable relationship like that, without so many fights. However, he quickly abandoned the idea, realizing that a stable relationship would mean distinctly less one night stands.

As he was considering this, an ensign walked by.

Not just an ensign, but a rather attractive female ensign.

Now, most people with two head have enough sense to stare at the girl with one and watch where he was walking with the other. But not Zaphod.

He tripped, over his own feet. his right head landing square on a panel labeled "Infinite Improbability Generator".

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Depending on where you were on the ship there were a few things you would be bound to notice.

Had you been in Ten- Forward, you would have noticed that Beverly Crusher's cup of synthohol had turned into a squid and latched on to her face.

If you were on the bridge, you would definitely have noticed that Capt. Picard's uniform had turned into a tie-die tee-shirt, bellbottoms decorated with flowers, sandals and John Lennon glasses with pink glass. And the fact that Cmdr. Riker was pointing at him and laughing hysterically.

Had you been in Deanna Troi's office it would have been hard to ignore that Barley had transformed into a giant piece of broccoli.

If you were in Engineering you would have noticed that an orangutan had appeared out of nowhere and that Zaphod, Ford and Arthur had disappeared.

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The evil cliff-hanger! Don't worry, though, because I'll most likely update tomorrow.


	9. Completley Dreadful

**Madness**

Disclaimer: I do not own StarTrek TNG or Hitchhikers.

Unfortunately, this is the last chapter of this story. Thanks so much to Sputty for reviewing every chapter (As you can probably tell, reviews are the only important thing in my life). Anyway, on with the story!

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'This is dreadful.' Marvin though. 'Completely dreadful'

Marvin had almost slightly come close to enjoying the time the Ford, Arthur and Zaphod had been away. But, of course, they _had _to come back!

To make everything even more unpleasant for him, two of them had gotten together! Now they were always holding hand or kissing or doing other things so revolting that he didn't even want to think about it!

The three of them had been back for two weeks now.

They'd told some awful story about being on an exploration ship called the "Enterprise", where nobody had ever heard of Eccentrica Gallumbits, Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, Babel fish, or pretty much anything. They did have something called a "transporter" and a "holodeck" which Zaphod was constantly insisting that they get.

Also, apparently, it was not only in another dimension, but quite some time in the future. But with all the time traveling they did you could never really tell.

And, to top it all off, his usual suspicions that Trillian was trying to get rid of him had grown to a great extent since he woke up being slowly lowered into a vat of acid. Trillian swore it was just an accident.

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Ende! German for "the end". I hope. Anyway, I hope you all liked it!


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